Farewell 2011

I can't believe today will be the last day of 2011. Both good and bad things happened this year, well yeah every year both things do happen. I will always remember each and every one of it. Those people that make me smile and made my day -- thank you so much. This year may not have been the best but it was not the worst. The wrong doings that I have done, I wish I could take back and undo but that is all in the past. All I can do is correct the future. 

2012, please be good to me :)

#SeronokdapatkeluardgnAmirahsayangtadi

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Missing

One sad song that I've been listening to since in primary school. Lagu ni macam dah lama gila la jugak kan. Masa kecik-kecik masih hingusan dulu tu, aku pernah rasa sedih teramat dengar lagu ni walaupun aku tak faham sepatah haram. Sedih la. Kau tak rasa macam tu ke?

I dont really understand the video either but this song can be interpreted as someone losing a friend. This song was released when Geri Halliwell left the group. As you can see at the ending of the video, only 4 fairies left the vending machine and 1 was missing. The vending machine could represent as a place where memories are kept including a friend and times you had with him or her. 

A very good, touching and indeed a sad song with a very deep meaning to it. :')

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Everything is going to be okay. Maybe not now, but eventually..

Banyak sangat benda nak cakap sampai dah taktau nak cakap apa. Sepanjang harini banyak kali terfikir pasal tahun depan, err or should I say next month? Urghh bila teringatkan tahun depan tahun yang sangat tough, rasa macam nak muntah. Aku kena habiskan foundation aku. Dalam pening-pening dengan study, confirm punya la mesti terselit benda-benda yang tak sepatutnya. For that, aku kena pandai kawal perasaan.

Em. Kadang-kadang tengok cerita kartun pun banyak mengajar aku macam-macam. Haha. Cuma aku kena sedar tu semua lakonan. Dan bila aku terlena dalam dunia sendiri, aku cepat-cepat terjaga supaya aku tak lari jauh dari dunia realiti. Aku yakin aku boleh.

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Dot

I don't get it. Why everything turn out this way. I keep asking myself and I cant find the perfect words to answer all those question. Its okay. I am strong enough and I know I can endure this to the end. As long as I have them around me, everything will be okay soon. Keep praying to Him and never lose hope. InsyaAllah *senyum*

ps. You don't know me at all, none of you will. And I don't care.

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Sigh

Yo.

I'm tired. My mind is tired. My brain is tired and I need a sleep. Just for several hours would do, yeah guess so. Its windy, but I dont have any mood to feel scared. Even my heart does not beat faster like usual. Ignore it. Ignore everything.

Bye then. But the feeling is still there. Duh whatever =..=

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What a boring holidays

Basically my holidays are plain and boring as always. I was all excited and wanted to do this and that but end up doing nothing at all, really funny huh? So I pretty much staying in my bedroom and do nothing. My mum only let me go out on certain days. Ya Allah, I'm so bored. Help me!

I woke up today, doing the same things. Took my shower, and ate my breakfast. Today my dad is not working, and that was so lame. Hell yeah, my siblings and I have to act like everything was normal. Because when my mum and dad were not at home, we always making noise and screaming here and there.

What a boring holidays.*justwentbackfromPahang

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Awak (:

Amirah Azyan

Its like I miss you so much, yeahh I really do

I don't know why what when but yeahh always do

She miss me too kot but not much as I do? Hehe

She's a good friend of mine.

She's cute, funny, bubbly and bubbly, not much too say but she is CUTE but TOUGH.

She teach me a lot. I've learnt from her almost everything. She is a good teacher that I adore.

I'd love to make her laugh again and again. I don't want her to get hurt again and again.

She's the most faithful truthful loving creature I've ever met.

So when she with me I'll try to make her not to remember of the hurt things and and

 I'll do anything everything I can so that she will laugh and keep on smiling 

gigling and crying cause lot of laughing. Hahaha it is just too much for a baby like her

I want her to be happy , no matter what she do I'll be with her

She is the one that all wooa-men ever wanted

I miss her. Seriously.

miss her laugh, miss her cuteness, miss her words, miss her tiny lil finggy, miss her eyes (:

I love you. xoxo

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It's My Dad's Birthday!

Happy Birthday Ayah :')

You are the best Dad in the world!

There is nobody can ever replace you.

May Allah bless you always.

Me always love you, Ayah :*

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You.

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My Head Spinning

Harharhar.
I want to run away.
I want to run away to a place where I can be who I want to be. 
To a place where I can be WITH, who I want to be (Which I'm sure is pretty obvious)

I want to go to a place where I can be the person I want to be on the inside. The one who doesn't cower. The one who just does things. All spur of the moment. I mean, there's obviously going to be things I'm still not going to do. But I'm too cautious I think. 
I think? No.
This is most definitely something that I know.

I just had a huge fight with my brother, which I can tell you in itself is most unpleasant. BUT, this particular fight had to happen at one of the most INCONVENIENT times in the whole world. He seriously, GAH! I can't even begin to explain that man to you. Tapi aku sayang diaaaaaaa..

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I've Started a Journal !

I picked up a notebook... or 6, and I've decided I'm going to do a project. I've been feeling rather lazy lately. 
Not lazy in a 'i don't do anything' kind of way, because I still do things. Not much mind you, but I don't just sit on my ass all day! 
Lazy in the kind of way, where I don't do anything creative anymore.
And I'm afraid that if I let it go for too long, I'll be dull. I lose my creativity, and I'll lose one of the parts of me I like best. 

And this is where the journal comes in. 
Everyday, I will write something. Whether it be an idea I plan on doing, or a thought that passes through my mind. Ideas for drawings, updates on how it's going, things I've dreamed, memories, plans, anything. 
Anything but an update of my day. 

Let it begin!

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Oh to be young again

Sometimes things are so easy when you are young. Wait, no. Things are always easy when you are young. At least they were when I was young. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. My life really wasn't that easy when I was young. But there were those esctasy-moments when I got good ice cream on a hot afternoon. You know what I am saying. I just wish sometimes that I could go back there to those simple moments and live there in that euphoria forever. I was happy. Life was simpler. Or maybe I was just naive to its complexity. Either case, it was certainly different than life now.

Here's to being young forever!

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I'm not judging, I'm just saying...

"Under appreciated" scholars can just get over themselves! I am serious. I could not be more over people being jerks to me over stuff that is really unimportant.

Don't be mean just because you think I know less than you about a subject; don't be disrespectful and talk down to me.

If you let my friendship with you be ruined over something stupid, you're a donkey.

If you let something you believe in keep you from loving anyone, anyone at all, you definitely aren't utilizing anything that comes from good. 

Or positive. Or smart for that matter.

You're just fulfilling your little prophecy that everyone hates you because you know more than them and no one understands you because you are so innovative and different form everybody else.

Guess what? It's all bull and you're a jerk at the end of the day.

So stop it!

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Sometimes, I just don't have the answers.

You know, I don't know everything. And I can't read your mind. Just so you all know.

Man, I am really frustrated with some things lately. I have a couple of friendships that just seem to be awkward or weird no matter what I do and I hate that. It's so draining. And then crazy stuff happens that's out of my control and it's just weird. And weird again.

I mean, I can't control what other people think. Never have been able to. Oh, I've tried. I've attempted. And I have failed miserably. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore. And I get really frustrated really easily after long periods of awkwardness with people. It's lame.

I don't know what to do to make things better sometimes. And after enough of that, I just want to give up. Cause I feel like I've exhausted a lot of avenues to make things better, but it just doesn't get better. I end up taking the other person's pain onto my shoulders and carrying it around. It's not my job to do so. My job is to let Allah handle those things. But I keep making myself crazy trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. Or what else I could do to make it better. But I don't know. I just don't have the answers.

Try again? Sure. I will. But if other parties don't start to give a little as well, things will never get better. I'm just saying.

Recognize this. Do something about it.

I'm not a magician, people.

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Relive The Past

Do you ever have those moments in the past that you wish you could relive? Were there times you wished you acted differently? Perhaps wish you could apologize to someone who you can no longer communicate with? Perhaps wish you could make a different decision? Perhaps wish you could just relive a joyful memory? Do you ever wish you could go back in time and relive one of your favorite memories? 

The awesome thing about the future is that you can redo that stuff WITH the added benefit of having gained the knowledge from the past. What I mean is that you can apologize to people now. You can make different decisions. You can more thoroughly enjoy present activities! You don’t have to wait. We don’t have to live behind shameful memories. We don’t have to live with tears on our faces. We don’t have to live with regrets. 

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What to do?

Peace be upon you :)

.......

Ok. Such a not-so-okay feelings in here, I mean when I'm writing, typing this. Why? Um, maybe because of my previous post. Yeah, I did act like so not a mature girl. Completely a kids that out of his/her brain. Sorry. I cant keep it any longer and I dont know to who I will chit-chatting about my problems. 

As you know, I dont have many friends and yeah, not proud of it. I may have a best-best-ever-best friends, now and then. But you know, humans - there are thousands (and more more) of people breathing the same air like us, thousands (and more more) of attitudes that are maybe weird, normal, and such la kan. Malas la nak list.

Oh god, Yaya. What are you actually trying to say here? 

um. i dont know. Ok. I'll just shut the f up then.

#reallydon'tknowwhattodo

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Renungan :)

Bak kata matluthfi, jangan lah terlalu menilai seseorang dari luaran. Diri sendiri pun tak betul. Nak nasihat org tu boleh, tapi sekali sekala, buat la refleksi diri juga kan? Terima kasih matluthfi comel :)

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Problemo~

Keep calm and move on. but, jangan la calm sangat ye. Betul apa yg dia cakap. Terima kasih mathlutfi comel :)

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Gute Nacht

My dad went to Johor, yeah again. I'm fine with it. I completely understand that he has been working very for us, for our family. I am not that okay tonight for some reason. Ahh let it be. Tomorrow, when I wake up, everything will be okay. As usual.

I'm going to sleep now. It is difficult to think wisely in these circumstances.

#mataakupedih

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Hahh nanges

Good morning folks. I was not in a good shape, mentally. You know, I am not a person that will burst into tears at all time. Or should I just say that I am not really a girl that easily shed tears. Tears, I am lack of that thing. For my 18 years and 7 months of breathing, I don't cry over stupid or nonsense or not serious or yadayada things.

Last night, I sleep with tears. Notice the word, tears or should I capitalized that word so that you will understand? Ok, TEARSSS. Got it? Good. Em. Its hurt. Yes, in a such seriously damn way. I don't know. I just find it extremely hurt my feelings. Yeah, that stupid thoughts of mine and that stupid mind of mine and that reckless me of me.

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Waiting Outside The Lines :)

*mukadiacomelmacambudakkeciltapisuaradiamacamorangbesar <3

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I miss you hardly, friends :')

I have friends. A lot of friends that taught me the meaning of friendship. Friends who taught me the meaning of patience. During my study at IIUM, I've met many people who have different character and a different way of thinking. Some of them have matured and some of them are still childish. Some of them are capable of differentiate between good and bad, some are still lagging behind. Some of them are ready to become a university student, and some are still dreaming that they were still in high school environment.

I have several close friends. Each of them has different characters, different way of thinking and a different stance. That variety makes me learn many new things in life. Friendship, learning, relationships, life and many more. I am very grateful for knowing them. I hope that this friendship will not be split. Although the trials and tribulations that will befall us, we will try to deal with maturity.

We have been apart a few weeks. This situation is testing our feelings. Alhamdulillah, we still survive until now. I hope we stay together. Guys, I miss you all hardly.

*My English is horrible, enough said.

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You saw this coming

I'm tired of running, I got it in the end.

I'm just a human. I'm prone to frailty and impulsiveness that bring myself to create my own sorrows. At times, when nothing else matters but the desires of my heart, I got myself into situations I never think of. I just dive into it, because it looks promising, inviting and tempting.

Revenge, it all turned against me. I chose my path and this the price I have to pay.
Love, I admit. At first, it felt good. It made me high, euphoric and it seemed like it was never going to end. I was blinded, I didn't look anywhere, I focused on you. 
I dragged you down with me, helped you to see with your own eyes how life is not always what it seems. I was there for every fall, you see.
You told me how you've been, been waiting for me. 
This is for you. The note you left behind was not only owned for me. It was owned for everyone, that growing disease is called need. I have it and it's not for you.
Take this, I'm pointing this straight to you. Your promises failed in my hands as I walked away from you. I'm done here and there's nothing left for you. 
I don't think carrying heavy loads in our lives is an option if we want to live in contentment. So don't lie to yourself. Don't hold on to something that is no longer there. Let yourself go as I did.

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Hide

A'ah. Kadang-kadang memang macam cepat tak puas hati je rasanya. Tapi bila fikir balik, tak patut la fikir banyak-banyak. Buat rileks sudah. Buat apa tambah lagi benda yang tak sepatutnya tu didalam kepala kan. Jadi, si Yaya sedang mendownload lagu-lagu yang perlu didengar sebagai lullaby. Dan decide untuk cuba tidur awal supaya tak rasa malu lagi. Bangun lambat macam sangat rugi la. Bukan macam, memang rugi. Harap-harapnya cuti kali ni terisi dengan benda berfaedah banyak-banyak. InsyaAllah, nothing is impossible :)

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Leaving you hurt even more.

Benda hidup yang ada akal dan nafsu adalah manusia. Manusia ada dua. Lelaki dan perempuan. Lelaki dan perempuan adalah sama. Lelaki dan perempuan adalah berbeza. Kan? Betul la apa yang aku cakap ni. Ok. Kehidupan manusia ada banyak stage. Dari hanya sebesar bantal peluk baby tu sampai lah besar gedabak kan.

Em. Ok. Aku taktau nak cerita apa sebenarnya ni. Haha. Abaikan introduction yang macam agak bajet itu. Takde ape laa. Aku cuma nak cakap. Aku ni manusia biasa je weh. Nak kata kuat sangat tu takde la jugak. Nak kata fragile tu memang tak la kan. Aku kuat lagi. Tapi macam kayu jugak la kan, lama-lama reput jugak nanti. Sudah-sudah la tu buat aku macam ni. Eh aku tak kesah, nak buat lagi buat la.


Cuma, ye la. What goes around comes around la kan. Hehe *aku sengih paling cantik untuk kau ni*

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Such a beautiful night.

What do you do when you're sad?

I read a book and pretend I’ve entered another realm. I let myself feel what the characters in the story are feeling and I adopt their joy as my own. And when I put down that book, I tell myself that tomorrow, that happiness will be mine and mine alone. I tell myself that tomorrow, I won’t have to rely on books to keep me happy anymore.

Bottomline: Faith gets me through the day (:

"In happiness there's sadness. In sadness there's happiness. Life's balanced that way".

- Diana Rikasari

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To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are..

Oh yeah, sementara tunggu pukul 6 ni, aku habiskan masa usha fashion bloggers. Duhh dorang semua tu cantik-cantik. Haa sapa kata kalau bertudung pun tak boleh bergaya? Dorang berfashion, cantik je tau. Tak nampak hodoh pun, sopan je. Ngaa jelesnya =.=

Dalam masa yang sama, aku terfikir. Ramainya orang yang hebat-hebat kat luar tu. Ramainya orang yang berjaya kat luar sana tu. Buat aku rasa sangat risau dengan kehidupan Hidayah Razali yang akan datang ni. Serious sangat risau. Tapi lebih baik aku pentingkan dan fokuskan dengan foundation aku dulu. Benda paling penting. Sangat penting.

Ngaa, buat aku rasa malas terus terus nak usik blog dan facebook. Aku fikir, bukak sekali sekala usha apa yang patut dah la. Lagipun, makin hari aku makin tulis benda entah apa-apa la dalam blog ni. Cuma aku rasa, taknak update blog langsung tu memang susah. Sebab selama ni, aku banyak cerita kat sini je, eventhough tak semua. Aku taktau nak bercerita apa sangat dengan orang lain macam aku cerita dekat blog. Sebab tu la bosan. Nuhh?

Entah-entah. 

Sambil mandi nanti, biar aku fikir dan buat keputusan yang terbaik untuk sendiri. Mana tau dapat, kan? Mungkin.

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Today is 27 October

Tarikh atas tu tak de kaitan apa-apa pun. So yeah. Kiranya macam harini punya misi dan visi untuk 'hari ini lebih better dari semalam' macam tercapai la jugak en. Nasib la aku bangun pagi je dah ada mesej yang mushy dovey en. Ececeyy apa cinta-cinta? Tak de maknanya. Karate karang. Then, trick bukak langsir luas-luas nak kasik cahaya masuk memang jadik habis la. Terkelip-kelip mata aku. Sakit kot. Tapi tahan je la kan. Aku tak terus mandi pun sebab tersangkut dekat mesej orang ni (mesti ingat kita mesej boypren, eh hello, no boypren, kena terajang dengan mak karang). Dah la sejuk, maklumlah.. baru je baik demam. Actually kalau keluar dari bilik ni sekejap, aku boleh rasa hubungan kekeluargaan tu. Even though tak pada yang secukupnya en. Kira cukup buat aku tersenyum dan berfikir sejenak. Okay merepek. Memang, memang aku bersemangat semacam je harini. Many good things happen between me and some people. Tak rasa macam invisible girl sangat dah. It's fun and I'm happy.

#barubaikdemammemanglahexcited

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Randomly, for tonight

1. I will just look at those picture. It makes me smile.
2. I will hear to the songs that makes me feel alive again.
3. I will enjoy my second bath in one day.
4. I will sing out loud and dance.
5. I will write and write and write and write until no more pages left.
6. I will keep dreaming something that will never happen.
7. I will eat chocolate again and again.
8. I will do something that I like, snapping.
9. I will cheer myself with people around me.
10. I will be deaf when I hear some annoying noise outside there.
11. I will never cut my wrist, it is stupid.
12. I will never take dog's shit, ecstasy, drugs etc.
13. I will never do suicide eventhough I'd think about it many times before. 
14. I will sit down and read my most favourite books and comics.
15. I will lay down with my pants and shirts on.
16. I will hug my teddy bears that was bought for me from my mom.
17. I will read the old messages in my Save Messages, twice before I sleep.
18. I will hear to a soft lullaby, River Flows in You.
19. I need to eat more and more when I feel pain in my head.
20. I will have my sight on random blogs.
21. I will sleep without anyone beside me.
22. I will never trust someone that dont trust me.
23. I will never miss someone that dont really appreciate me.

I love my life and I wont ruin it with someting reckless.

#yayarindukoranglah

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It is not the end of one's life

Well, tak normal lah Hidayah Razali kalau dia kata dia tak rasa apa-apa sekarang. Bukan Hidayah Razali lah kalau dia kata dia sangat kuat sekarang. Tapi kau kena sangat percaya yang semua orang berubah. As time keep slipping by, people changed. Tanpa kita sedar, kita let go semua benda yang berharga semata-mata melayan resah dan sedih dalam hati yang entah apa-apa.

Hei, sedar lah. Wake up. This is the real life. Hidup kau sekarang bukannya macam cerita dongeng Cinderella ataupun Snow White. Hidup kau sekarang adalah yang paling real di mana kau sendiri yang kena susun cantik-cantik masa depan kau. Kalau rajin, bagi masa depan kau yang kau dah rancang tu berjalan dengan flow yang cantik dan rentak yang paling sweet.

Pandang dunia ni sebagai something yang real dan bukan fantasy semata-mata. Kita semua bukan selamanya budak tadika. Kita membesar, dan terus dewasa.

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Tak jadik nak buat entri yang excited melampau.

I lost one or two followers. I know its going to be happen. I told ya, my blog was nothing. Theres nothing interesting that you can read here. As even me myself pun macam dah malas sangat nak berblogging. Busy sangat. Boleh behenti sekarang je tak?

Aku mengantuk sangat. Esok lusa boleh update lagi kan. Tu pun kalau rajin.

#actually selepas entri ini dah diupload nanti, ada beberapa perkara yang perlu dilakukan. tanpa ready. secara tiba-tiba. sangat tak bersedia. dan sekarang dah selesai, mood pulak dah swing entah ke mana. jadi, maaf. entri aku selepas sebulan tak update adalah sangat tett untuk anda baca. who really cares? Haha

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I hate to say goodbye

Even though I know, and I believe, that nothing lasts forever and all people have to deal with it, I am still struggling to understand the process of human separation. Yes, we could meet someday, but everything's changing that time. That is the only thing I'm afraid of. Okay, if they say don't think about what will happen next, just live your life to the fullest in present, wallahi, it ends the same!

How could I forget someone like you? You have came into my everyday life, put a smile in my face,made me laugh like there's no tomorrow and then now you're leaving? What do you expect me to feel? God, I hate dealing with consequences!

We came, we met, we left, we moved on and finally we forgot. I hate saying goodbye. Please, I'm not being dramatic. I don't get influenced by hypocritically bullshit movies or stuff because this is so real. However, I feel so lucky, to have known those people who made goodbye so hard to say to.

I take friendship seriously. I hate getting closely attached to people because I don't want to get hurt in the end.

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I want to be the gravity of your universe

Suddenly, I'm in LOVE <3 with this guy called Cody Simpson

#credittoAmirahAzyan(:

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Angin dan Awan

Ah angin. Angin sejuk suka tampar-tampar lembut pipi aku yang kureng lembutnya ;P Aku suka kan angin. Aku suka kan hujan. Aku suka kan matahari. Aku suka kan awan. Aku nak jadik awan.

Beberapa minggu yang lalu, rakan sebilik aku ; Fazira, tanya soalan yang aku rasa sangat familiar. Soalan yang aku rasa macam ada orang pernah tanya. "Kalau kau bukan manusia, kau nak jadik apa?" Aku nak jadik awan.

Awan cantik. Awan yang bebas. Awan yang putih-putih dan kadang-kadang hitam sebab kenyang dengan air. Awan yang kadang-kadang tak bersama kita tapi kita tahu dia ada bersama kita, somewhere. Awan yang diperlukan time matahari panas gedik-gedik.

*I wish I could write something better than this. Tapi ini pun semua keluar dari otak yang lahir dari hati. Wah, ape tu?


p/s 1 : Amira, Annisa, Farah, Ain, lama tak jumpa. Rindu gila dohh.
p/s 2 : Amirah, Fakhira and Cha, Yaya rindu korang sangat-sangat ni. Bila nak jumpa lagi?

#rasamacamsamaje

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Melodi Petang

Di luar hujan lebat

Aku berdiri di tepi tingkap yang sengaja dibuka

memerhatikan langit petang yang menghitam

hujan yang menderau lebat

melencong akibat ditiup angin

lalu mencurah ke atas dedaun

dan pokok yang dahagakan air.

Sejuk dan indah sekali

ciptaan-Mu Tuhan.

Hujan sentiasa menggembirakan aku

walaupun usia terus meningkat

hujan juga yang ditunggu.

#petangpetangmacamnisedapkalauminumteh

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Do my best to keep you satisfied, and I failed.

Its 4:30 in the morning and here I am. Cant sleep or dont want to sleep? Both actually. I suppose not to sleep tonight or else I'll feel regret tomorrow for not spending my time genius-ly. All alone in the dark room with a small light from the moon. Listening to Baby I'm Yours. Speechless for awhile. Hypnotized by his mesmerizing voice. I'm tired. I shall go to sleep, dreaming of beautiful dreams. Till then, G'night.

A Sungai Lui of Aizat Amdan surely make me fall to sleep, with serene. Forgetting the shits you did. No, accepting the shits you did, are the right one.

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